I am there. You have been there. I am not the “special snowflake.” We are all, each,”special snowflakes:” unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable, valuable individuals.
We lose someone we love. Romantic partner. Friend. Mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, relative. A pet: a dog, a cat, a horse, or an animal we love.
Or we have to suffer while someone we love is on the brink of life and death. I’ve lost some relatives. I’ve had some hard endings of relationships with girlfriends. I’ve lost some cats. It’s hell. It lasts a long time. You know. I am doing what we have done and will have to do.
At first, I couldn’t sleep much. Sometimes, like this morning, I just want to stay in bed, alone, in the dark. Thursday morning I lied in bed imagining what it must be like to have died from a diaphragmatic hernia, as Heiric did. In other words, to have suffocated from inside. And I imagined what I would have done if I was there, but it was too late to help. Kiss his face. Pet his forehead. Look him deeply in the eyes.
But reality calls. We have to take care of people and pets in our care. Some have children. Some have elderly in their care. I have students to teach, and cats to feed and love. The responsibility of life calls; reality demands obedience.
I am not talking to anyone about Heiric now. I’ve texted or emailed a little, and posted here, but that’s it. No talk, no touch. I need to be alone. That’s how I handle it. We all have our own ways.
I have not been working out. Don’t want to.
I used to listen to music, podcasts, Audible books whenever I drove or was at home. No longer. Right now, I just want silence. I don’t want to hear any of that.
I want to wear my leather jacket even if it’s only 50. I usually wear it only when the temperature is 30 or below. But 50? I usually go short sleeves in that. Not now. Even mild cold is something I don’t want to handle now.
I don’t eat much, only enough to keep my energy up for some tutoring. I have breakfast after going on a walk in the woods, on trails that Heiric used to love running and walking and eating and looking around and enjoying nature. I eat after I am drained and start to stumble. Or because I have to to keep up my energy and feed my brain for tutoring.
I’ve walked and walked trails, everyday, for hours, thinking about what Heiric used to do there and how much he loved it and loved life. I will today. And tomorrow. And the day after. And after that.
Things like ones you’ve probably done. You have your ways of doing the same thing. We have lots of options and room for style within the realm of the rational.
We don’t lose unless we love — but life is not worth living if we don’t love. Not play at it, or have an emotion, or fake it in some other way, but love in thought, feeling, action, and practice. We don’t lose in the real world unless we love in the real world, which is the only thing worth while.