In an email from a friend, I received the following list of butchered idioms, historical references, names, and sayings (sometimes the correct word, name or phrase is given after a dash or in parentheses):
In my browsings on the Web (long story) I came across this. (Long story, it’s an offshoot from http://www.livejournal.com/~bcampbell/ if you’re that interested.) I reproduce it here as it appears on the page.
Jackisms [21 Dec 2002|08:11pm]
I found this on the network at work. It was called ‘Jackisms’. I suppose jack is someone that works in whatever area that particular server was located in.
1. Between a rock and a hard roll.
2. Verennial disease.
3. LaBarrage – L’Auberge.
4. Tarantula downpour.
5. See if any other eligibilities are evolved (involved ) in this case.
6. If Cleopatra doesn’t come to Romeo.
7. Basket and Robbins.
8. A.I. – Alcoholics Anonymous.
9. Apptabit – APTAD
…
11. The plane we flew in was a 537 – Marked down from 737.?
…
13. He did a tumblesault – summersault.
14. Odvious – obvious.
15. What do I do to owe this pleasure?
16. Gin and bottles – Gin and bitters.
17. Sherman Williams paint.
18. They use a bowling chemical on the lanes.
19. Wait till I tell O’Connor this Š He’s liable to fall over in his grave.
20. Is this the only virgin of this that we have?
21. Support and collection – support collection
…
23. The Acidics in Sullivan County – Hassidics
24. I hear you’re the boss. We know who wears the shoes in your family.
25. Did anybody watch the Multiple District Telethon? – Muscular Dystrophy.
26. I’m trying to be good today because I know my growth here is beginning to grow.
27. Social Slurvices – Services
28. I want to work for the commissioner’s office so I can make public engagements.
29. It’s a belated surprise party, like when you die and they bury you after.
30. I’m younger than I actually am.
31. What time is it tomorrow?
32. Why don’t you stop in L.A. – Las Vegas.
33. One hand deserves another.
34. Jerry, I’m telling you, the walls are bouncing off Cindy.
35. Carol, don’t look like me. – don’t look at me.
36. Cataracus County – Cattaraugus County
37. Pack up all your cares and woos – woes
38. Person knocking on door. Jack, “Who’s there, please recognize yourself.”.
39. It was uninomous.
40. I was misconceived – misinformed
41. I’ve been known to come out on the end of the totem pole several times.
42. I heard that you were the belly of the ball.
43. Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me finish my sandwich – sentence
44. She could be the stabilizing bar in your life.
45. The new Stop and Shave – Stop and save
46. Tompkins English Muffins
47. Look at the way the clouds hoover over the mountain.
48. That’s when we had our siver – split
49. Anybody see Boldero – Bull Durham
50. Money makes me sappy – happy
51. I’ve got invested rights – vested
52. Umbiblical cord
53. Your desk is like a pig stein.
54. This is sayonara in the fast lane.
55. This is for mothers who give birth.
56. I heard that Cindy is in a frizzy.
57. I’ve got to get the wordcast out.
58. I had a rough night. I slept on the Koch (couch) all night.
59. What the name of that movie, 4 and 40? – North Dallas 40
60. I have to watch you like a tooth on a comb.
61. I wouldn’t come down here, she’s in a frisky biscuit.
62. You go down the road and take the troll bridge.
63. One hand works the other.
64. Cheeky Rodriguez – ChiChi Rodriguez
65. The person has mutual access to multi many tickets.
66. You have to watch for teak flies – ticks
67. Life is a ball of jelly.
…
69. Cindy, whatever are you doing, peeping and tomming?
70. She died of an angerism – aneurysm
71. People in greenhouses shouldn’t throw rocks.
72. I wouldn’t go near Crossgates Mall with a fine toothcomb.
73. Hangover remedy: You have to bite what bit you.
74. Colleges changed their nicknames to non-ethic ones.
75. If history is true of the past.
76. The blanes are turning – blades
77. You had a petition between you and Henry – partition
78. No, he’s as white as the Ace of Spades.
79. He got the jest of it – gist
80. “till they jockey their shorts around”
81. Brueglers – Brueggers
82. St. Jerome was burned on the grill.
83. The hoist (host) system is down.
84. Sailors for cigarettes – Trailers for sale or rent
85. I want a circular (cellular) phone for my car.
86. Flee bargaining – Plea
87. Appealyas Court – Appellate
88. Let’s not go overhand – overboard
89. We can write procedures till we’re blown in the face.
90. We had some Red Killian’s beer – Killians Red
91. Luke Skywhacker – Skywalker
92. Theosaurus – Thesaurus
93. I used the Lord’s vain once – name in vain
94. Let’s shoot the brew – breeze
95. Both of you stand out like a lead balloon.
96. Xavier Cougat’s wife, Toro – Charo
97. Layoffs and furrows – furloughs
98. Secular phones – cellular
99. Merrygrounds – Merry-Go-Round
100. The Choppers are playing Peaoreo – Peoria
101. She smokes like a fish.
102. Cabaret wine – Cabernet
103. Suck the biscuit
104. He’s a potato and egg type – meat and potato
105. Whistle while it works
106. CES – CSEA
107. Sue, you’re just like a defected machine – defective
108. I need a new office under lock and door (key)
109. Get used to it, it’s not going to last long.
110. Is that Colonel Sander’s popcorn?
111. Cuomo is nothing but palm (pond) scum.
112. Peter is going to Thighland (Thailand).
113. Goals and objections (objectives).
114. Training on top of supervisors.
115. T.B.A. = To Be Determined (To Be Added).
116. Governor Cuomo (He pronounced it like Romeo).
117. I’m going to shed a little of this on you.
118. I think she jumped the handle on this one.
119. Tell Nigel that he’s swinging (whistling) Dixie.
120. Rick, you’re swallowing (whistling) Dixie.
…
122. Jerry, are you going snorkel fishing?
123. She makes out like smoke.
124. I used to get a lot of “I’s” in school. You know, “I” for unsatisfactory.
125. Morrison (Morse) Code.
126. Oral and Hardy (Laurel and Hardy)
127. Why don’t you buy a Vulval (Volvo).
128. They’re just second grade (class) citizens.
129. Stu, you can quarterize them (cut them in four pieces).
130. Pyonara (Sayonara).
131. He’s just a scape cat (goat).
132. He’s going to play baseball in Swissconsin (Wisconsin)
133. Lisa is a good lick stamper.
134. Croptin (captain) Kirk.
135. Do I prove you guilty before I consider you innocent?
136. My mother was valvatorium (valedictorian) of her class.
137. Have you tried Howard Johnson’s (Johnson and Johnson’s) disposable contact lenses?
138. Leo Duroucher dried (died).
139. Let me run this through you (by you).
140. We were thrown to the bulls (lions).
141. The cake (case) workers in Albany County.
142. Servicing (Services) – answering the phone.
143. I cleaned (raked) the leaves over the weekend.
144. An amused (abused) and maltreated child.
145. Per Batum (verbatim).
146. Unspounding (unfounding)
147. They better get their asses together.
148. You fit in the shoes, you have to wear them.
149. Back on path (track).
150. very voiceterous (boisterous).
151. Not running (playing) with a full deck.
152. I don’t pull too many bones (punches).
…
154. It wasn’t an accident, it was a berf (birth) defect.
155. I want my meatball (Maypo).
156. She has a whole brand new leaf (turned over a new leaf).
157. They’re running a two-al (dual) system.
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159. Recticle (rectal) thermometers.
160. Ride ’em coyote (cowboy).
161. Just an arm’s (stone’s) throw away.
162. We’ll go over it with a fine tooth and comb.
163. A little “wash me out mouth” (mouth wash).
164. Who do you think you are “Lady Asterbilt?” ( Vanderbilt? Aster?)
165. Then you pull her by the head of your hair. (describing a romantic scene).
166. Teen pregnancy for adults (new social services program).
167. Terri, you can’t go anywhere. You’re here till you leave.
168. Go around the horseshoe (horn).
169. To Larry Frank: “If you want to come back, you have to take that out of your earball”.
170. Matt’s looking for a job. He can nursery (baby-sit) your daughter.
171. Cindy, are you on the inaround (?)?
…
173. “I must be very greetable” (upon meeting a young woman.)
174. The electrical (electoral) college.
175. You’ve got to clean your desk out while it’s still warm.
176. When it rains it falls.
177. The funniest thing I will ever forget.
178. The Guarding (Guardian) Angels.
179. You know your problems are over when you see the wind at the end of the tunnel.
180. Does anyone have the Robinson Crusoe soft pack (soft cover).
181. I just don’t trust that Jim (Bill) Clinton.
182. Don’t be chimpsey (chintzy).
183. The point is mute (moot).
184. One hand doesn’t talk to each other.
185. The serve many different hats.
186. The suitcase worker (supervisor, not caseworker).
187. Jerry, you should wear two sets of shoes (hats).
188. Hit the head on the nail (nail on the head).
189. The internal (eternal) flame.
190. He has ammonia (pneumonia).
191. “Jack you’re right only 20% of the time”. Jack: “You’re right, but it’s that 20% that I’m right”.
192. Subtle – pronounced subtile.
193. Fathom – pronounced phantom.
194. Lingerie – pronounced linger-ee.
195. An electronic suck me up message.
196. That’s Leap (light) years ahead.
197. The fault totally blames with her.
198 “That putt didn’t move an ounce!” (After missing a putt on the high side, Jack looked up in disgust and said, )
199. “That drive just plucked in the fairway.” ( Jack noticed that his enormous drive of over 175 yards into a wet fairway didn’t bounce. In amazement he shouted)
200. After hearing that Vicky was sick, Jack asked with concern in his voice, “Is she on leave with absence?”
201. As he considered the potential outcome of an upcoming golf match Jack commented, “We are going to beat you square and fair.”
202. “well, he doesn’t have a prayer to stand on!”.
203. “Those Pavarotti are so bad; they’re everywhere!” (he meant paparazzi)
204. ” I always eat dinner when I go to those luncheons” (what he meant was I always get a ticket for those luncheons)
205. “Don’t let that burning bridge slap you on the ass on the way , out the door!”